How We Approach Challenging Behaviors
By The Sanctuary
Posted May 13, 2025
“They keep telling me my dad is problematic.”
I hear some version of that sentence surprisingly often from families looking for dementia care.
Sometimes the behavior is wandering. Sometimes it is agitation, resistance to showering, repeatedly asking to go home, entering another resident’s room, yelling, or refusing a meal.
But before I decide that a person has a “challenging behavior,” I want to know something much more useful:
What actually happened?
That question is at the heart of how we approach challenging behaviors in dementia. Because behavior is rarely random. Very often, it is communication from someone who may no longer have the language, memory, judgment, or ability to tell us clearly what is wrong.
Challenging Behaviors in Dementia Are Often Communication
Imagine someone you do not recognize walks into your bedroom and tells you it is time to take off your clothes and get into the shower.
If you have dementia, you may not remember that this person helped you yesterday. You may not understand why they are in your room. You may genuinely believe a stranger is trying to undress you.
If you push the person away, is that aggression? Or are you frightened?
The answer matters.
The same is true when someone refuses food, paces the house, calls repeatedly for a spouse who died years ago, or insists that they need to leave for work.
When language and reasoning change, behavior can become one of the clearest ways a person communicates discomfort, fear, boredom, pain, hunger, overstimulation, loneliness, or a need for purpose.
The Alzheimer’s Association notes that behavioral changes can have many causes, including physical discomfort, environmental factors, and communication problems. That is why a sudden or significant change should never simply be dismissed as “the dementia.”
Start With the Story, Not the Label
I recently spoke with a son whose father was being described as wandering and exit-seeking in a larger facility.
When I asked what that actually meant, the story became much more interesting.
His father sometimes walked into other residents’ rooms because he was confused about where he was. And when staff called him “exit-seeking,” what he was actually doing was walking to the front desk and saying he was ready to check out and go home.
He believed he was in a hotel.
Within his reality, his behavior made perfect sense.
That does not mean we ignore safety. It means the response should begin with understanding.
Instead of simply documenting “exit-seeking,” I want to know: What does he believe is happening? What time of day does this occur? What happened immediately before it? What does he seem to be trying to accomplish? What response helps?
Those details turn a label into information we can actually use.
Before Asking “How Do We Stop It?” Ask “Why Is It Happening?”
Families naturally want difficult behaviors to stop. Caregivers do too.
But the fastest route to a calmer resident is often not controlling the behavior. It is identifying the need underneath it.
A few possibilities we think about include:
· Pain or physical discomfort
· Hunger or thirst
· Needing the bathroom
· Fatigue or disrupted sleep
· Fear or confusion
· Too much noise or stimulation
· Boredom or lack of purpose
· A change in routine
· An unfamiliar caregiver
· Medication effects or a new medical problem
· Trying to follow an old lifelong routine
If someone who is normally calm suddenly becomes agitated or confused, that deserves particular attention. A new behavior can sometimes signal pain, infection, medication effects, constipation, dehydration, or another medical issue that needs evaluation.
Not every behavior has a simple answer. But “Why?” is almost always a better starting point than “How do we make this stop?”
Why Correcting Someone With Dementia Often Makes Things Worse
Suppose Dad believes he needs to leave because he has to pick his children up from school.
You can tell him his children are adults. You can remind him that he is 88. You can explain that he no longer drives.
You may be factually correct.
But you have not solved the problem he believes he has.
In his mind, his children are waiting.
That is why validation and redirection can be so effective. A caregiver might acknowledge the urgency—“You want to make sure the kids are okay”—and then walk with him, offer a snack, ask him about his children, or gently redirect him toward something familiar.
We are not trying to win an argument. We are trying to reduce distress while preserving dignity.
Resistance to Care Is Often About Trust
Personal care is another area where families frequently hear that a loved one is “refusing.”
But imagine how intimate a shower, toileting, dressing, or changing clothes becomes when you do not recognize the person helping you.
This is one reason caregiver consistency matters so much in dementia care.
The caregiver who knows that Helen prefers her shower after breakfast, likes the bathroom warm, becomes embarrassed if she feels rushed, and responds better when given a choice between two outfits has a tremendous advantage over someone meeting Helen for the first time.
Sometimes the answer is simply to try again later.
Sometimes a different caregiver has better rapport. Sometimes the resident needs reassurance, privacy, music, a warmer room, or more time.
“She refused” should not automatically be the end of the conversation.
Environment Can Create—or Reduce—Behavior
We also have to look at what we are asking the person with dementia to navigate.
A large building with long hallways, elevators, unfamiliar faces, alarms, crowded dining rooms, and constant activity may be manageable for many people. For someone with dementia, it can also create confusion and overstimulation.
A quieter residential environment does not eliminate dementia behaviors. Nothing does.
But when the physical environment is intuitive, the routine is predictable, and the people are familiar, there are fewer things for the brain to constantly interpret.
Sometimes what looks like a resident problem is partly an environment problem.
Enough Caregivers Changes What Is Possible
A compassionate approach to challenging behaviors also requires time.
If a resident refuses a shower at 8:00 a.m., can someone come back at 9:30? If Dad is pacing because he thinks he needs to leave, can a caregiver walk with him for ten minutes and figure out where he believes he is going? If Mom will eat when someone sits beside her and cues each bite, is there actually someone available to do that?
Those are not just training questions. They are staffing questions.
You can have a wonderful caregiver with excellent instincts, but if that person is responsible for too many residents at once, patience and individualized redirection become much harder.
Good dementia care requires both knowing what to do and having enough time to do it.
Medication Has a Role—but It Shouldn’t Replace Understanding
Medication can be appropriate and important in dementia care. There are situations where anxiety, depression, psychosis, agitation, sleep disturbance, or another condition needs clinical treatment.
But medication should not become a substitute for asking what is causing distress.
If someone is agitated because she is in pain, frightened by an unfamiliar caregiver, desperately needs the bathroom, or is overwhelmed by noise, sedation does not address the underlying problem.
We believe behavioral changes should be considered in context, with the care team, family, nurses, and medical providers sharing what they are seeing. Medication decisions belong with the appropriate prescribing clinician, while caregivers provide the day-to-day observations that make those decisions more informed.
How We Think About Challenging Behaviors at The Sanctuary
Families sometimes come to us after being told their loved one is “too difficult.”
That phrase always makes me curious.
It does not mean every person will be appropriate for our homes. Our RN assesses prospective residents carefully, and safety matters for everyone living and working in the home.
But before we decide a behavior defines someone, we want to understand it.
Our approach is usually some combination of:
· Learn the resident’s history, routines, preferences, and triggers.
· Use consistent caregivers so trust has time to develop.
· Look for physical or medical causes when behavior changes.
· Reduce unnecessary stimulation and confusion.
· Validate emotion rather than repeatedly correcting facts.
· Redirect toward something familiar, purposeful, or comforting.
· Adjust the timing or approach to personal care when possible.
· Keep families involved because they often know what a behavior means better than anyone.
· Use medication thoughtfully with the resident’s clinical providers when it is truly indicated.
And sometimes the most useful intervention is remarkably ordinary: sit down. Have coffee. Walk outside. Fold towels together. Put on a favorite song. Give the person a few minutes and try again.
The goal is not a perfectly compliant resident. The goal is a person who feels as safe, understood, comfortable, and dignified as possible.
What Families Should Ask When a Facility Reports a Behavior
If you are told that your parent is having challenging behaviors, ask for specifics:
· What exactly happened?
· What was happening immediately before it?
· Is this new, or is there a pattern?
· Does it happen at a particular time of day?
· Could pain, hunger, toileting, fatigue, illness, or medication be contributing?
· Who was providing care at the time?
· What did the caregiver try?
· What helped?
· What made it worse?
· What is the plan if it happens again?
Those questions are not about blaming caregivers. Dementia can be genuinely difficult, unpredictable, and sometimes unsafe.
They are about making sure everyone is learning from what happened instead of simply adding another label to the chart.
One Thing I’d Tell My Own Family
If I ever have dementia and someone tells you I’m being difficult, please ask them what I actually did.
If I suddenly refuse a shower, wonder whether I am scared.
If I keep trying to leave, ask where I think I need to go.
If I become agitated, make sure I am not hurting.
If I say no, remember that there may still be a reason—even if I can no longer explain it.
Please don’t reduce me to my hardest moment.
And please find people who are willing to be curious about me before they decide I am the problem.
Key Takeaways
· Challenging behaviors in dementia are often a form of communication rather than random misbehavior.
· Specific descriptions are more useful than labels such as “aggressive,” “difficult,” “wandering,” or “refusing care.”
· Pain, illness, hunger, toileting needs, fear, fatigue, overstimulation, boredom, routine changes, and unfamiliar caregivers can all contribute to behavior.
· Validation and gentle redirection are often more effective than arguing about facts.
· Consistent caregivers, adequate staffing, and a calm environment make individualized responses more possible.
· Sudden behavioral changes deserve attention because a medical or physical issue may be contributing.
· The goal is not perfect compliance. It is safety, dignity, comfort, and understanding.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are challenging behaviors in dementia?
The term can include agitation, aggression, wandering, exit seeking, resistance to personal care, repetitive questions, yelling, sleep disruption, or other actions that create distress or safety concerns. The most useful next step is to describe exactly what is happening rather than relying on the label.
Why do people with dementia become agitated or aggressive?
There is no single cause. Fear, confusion, pain, illness, hunger, fatigue, overstimulation, communication difficulty, medication effects, or an unmet need can all contribute. A sudden change should be discussed with the person’s clinical team.
What should you do when someone with dementia refuses care?
First consider why the person may be resisting. Slow down, reduce pressure, offer simple choices, use a familiar caregiver when possible, and consider trying again at a different time. If resistance is new or severe, look for pain, illness, or another change.
Should you correct someone with dementia when they are confused?
Not always. Repeated factual correction can increase distress when the person cannot retain or accept the information. Acknowledging the emotion and gently redirecting is often more helpful.
Does wandering mean someone is trying to escape?
No. Wandering and exit seeking are not always the same. A person may be walking because of habit, restlessness, boredom, anxiety, or because they believe they need to accomplish something.
Can medication help challenging dementia behaviors?
Sometimes. Medication may be appropriate for certain symptoms or conditions, but decisions should be made by the person’s qualified clinician. Non-medication factors such as pain, environment, routine, communication, and unmet needs should also be considered.
You May Also Find These Helpful
Why People with Dementia Wander (and Why It Isn’t the Same as Exit Seeking)
Walking often has a purpose that makes complete sense to the person with dementia. Read this to understand the difference between wandering and exit seeking and why the distinction changes how caregivers respond.
Helping New Residents with Dementia Adjust to Their New Home
A new environment can temporarily increase confusion, anxiety, resistance, or attempts to leave. Read this for practical ways familiarity, consistent caregivers, routines, and personalized attention can make a transition easier.
10 Questions to Ask When Touring a Memory Care Facility
The way a community responds to difficult moments tells you far more than a beautiful lobby. Read this for the questions that help reveal staffing, consistency, personalization, communication, and the reality of daily dementia care.
Have Questions About Your Loved One?
If you’re trying to understand a change in behavior or looking for dementia care in Charlotte, contact The Sanctuary. We’re happy to talk through what you’re seeing and the questions worth asking.

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